And so are the days of our lives… June 1, 2009

I’ve had a lot to think about lately.
This time last year I was sending my husband off to the war zone again. A lot of unknowns, plenty of time and money to pay off our debt, and a commitment to myself to be a better person, or, as Oprah calls it, live your best life. I had joined the gym and had been doing VERY well exercising all summer long. I was losing weight and feeling great. I had a great trainer, a great schedule, and was very determined.

All was fine until August-ish.

I started having severe lower back pain.
Went to see the doc. After an MRI, it was determined that I have a herniated disc. His theory was that it occurred because of the amount of squats I was doing at the gym. So, I ask the $1 million question. “Is there any possibility that this injury is AT ALL related to one or both of my epidurals?” His answer? “Yes, absolutely.” {of course I already knew that} So, I started therapy. Three times a week. The kids were in school, so it was manageable, however, it was taking up SO MUCH of my time that I stopped going. That time they were in school was my ONLY time alone to get things done by myself. I felt myself slipping into that mode of “I can’t take care of myself because there are other things that are more important.” Of course, I gained back the weight I had lost {about 12 lbs} and have not gained anything else. I went for a while not having back pain, but now, it’s back, in full force.

I’m unhappy with the way that I look. I have training sessions saved at the gym and I plan to use them.

Rick gets home next week {I’m cautiously optimistic} and it’s time.
I’m tired of feeling tired.
I’m tired of feeling fed up.
I’m tired of being in survival mode.
I’m tired of putting the bad energy out there for the world to see.
I’m tired.
Just tired.

This past year I’ve experienced some life changing events.
~My grandmother and aunt passed away 60 days apart {they lived together}.
~I experienced really annoying car trouble that wouldn’t go away.
~I had issues with figuring out Ricky’s challenges in life {which has turned out to be an amazing journey}. ~We paid off approximately $30,000 in debt, including credit cards, cars, and loans. That does not include all we paid for in cash
~I’ve learned more about myself than I have EVER in my life. Including, how strong I am.
~I’ve learned the true sides of people I was the closest too.

It’s an experience I’d NEVER take back. I believe that I was supposed to be a strong Marine wife and a strong, loving mother.

When Rick returned from Iraq the first time, in 07, he was faced with the same thing he is now….finding a job. We have been hoping and praying {more praying than hoping} that he would be offered something. It’s now less than two weeks until his return, and nothing. The difference this time? I have faith. I wouldn’t call myself a “religious” woman, but I do consider myself spiritual. I do believe that prayers get answered. It’s the reason why I have prayed, prayed and prayed some more, until I couldn’t anymore. The old Amy would be at the point of complete obsession by this point. Frantically searching for how we would be paying our bills, supporting our family, etc. Now, I am confident. I know that we will be taken care of.

Ironically, when I checked my email this morning, I had received this:

If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. —Mark 9:23

When God spoke to Abram, he obeyed at once, departing for an unknown land based only on a promise. Childless, he trusted God to make of him “a great nation” (Gen. 12:2).

God often does His work through “holy fools”—dreamers who strike out in ridiculous faith. Yet I tend to approach my decisions with calculation and restraint.

My church in Chicago once scheduled an all-night vigil of prayer during a major crisis. At length we discussed the practicality of the event before finally putting it on the calendar. The poorest members of the congregation, a group of senior citizens from a housing project, responded the most enthusiastically. I wondered how many of their prayers had gone unanswered over the years, yet they showed a childlike trust in the power of prayer. “How long do you want to stay—an hour or two?” we asked, thinking of van shuttles. “Oh, we’ll stay all night,” they replied.

One woman in her 90s explained, “We can pray. We got time, and we got faith. Some of us don’t sleep much anyway. We can pray all night if needs be.” And so they did.

Meanwhile, a bunch of yuppies in a downtown church learned an important lesson: Faith often appears where least expected and falters where it ought to thrive. —Philip Yancey

Faith looks across the storm—it does not doubt
Or stop to look at clouds and things without.
Faith does not question why when all His ways
Are hard to understand, but trusts and prays. —Anon.

Prayer is the voice of faith.

I’m grounded. I’m strong. And I know that living my best life starts with my husband being home. When that time comes, I will finally be complete, again, to renew my life, my hope, my faith and my strength. I know that there has to be an end, in order for there to be an amazingly wonderful beginning.

What Memorial Day means to me.. May 20, 2009

My wedding anniversary..(10 this year)
The day we bought our house..(7 years)
Our war veterans…
and this Memorial Day, a Marine girlfriend becomes a Marine wife.

It’s all so full circle.

Memorial Day also reminds me of the fact that there are strong women behind EVERY single soldier, sailor, and marine. A mom, a sister, a wife, a girlfriend…there’s always a strong woman behind every Marine.

I miss my husband. 23 days to go and we will be reunited once again.
Together, we can do anything.

I’m excited about the idea of getting back into being a doula as much as I want.
I’ve grown a lot this year…in just about every area of my life and it feels so good.
I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned how to be a better mom, a better wife, and a better doula. What more could I ask for?

I promise I’ll blog more often.

And our flag was still there… March 9, 2009

*sigh*
Another trip to the airport.
Another lonely house to return to.

We left in plenty of time to get to the airport.
On our way, I got into the predictable frame of mind. Rick reached for my hand and I teared up. When he saw my tears streaming down my face, he reached for a tissue and handed it to me. I just kept thinking about being done with this. We only have 11 weeks to go. I know it will go fast, but it seems like an eternity.

The kids were in the back seat playing and I looked up and saw my American flag hanging from the visor. I know the reason that we do this. I know the reason Rick is needed. He is skilled in his work and he’s one of a few that know how to do what he does. I realize that Afghanistan is a dangerous place. It’s getting more and more dangerous, too. Part of me feels that we should not push it. Meaning, he’s already been safe in all his travels so far. Should we push it? Should he go and push his luck? Ugh. It’s tormenting.

I pray everyday that God returns him to me safely and in one piece.

The boys cried before bed tonight. They both understand that it’s 11 more weeks. 77 more days. 22 more karate classes. I try to be as specific as possible to help them understand that 11 weeks really isn’t that long.

They understand that our country needs Rick. They know that there isn’t just anyone that can replace him in his job. And that no one can replace him at home either.

Rick is safely on his way to Kuwait. Stop #2 in his journey back to the middle east.

Goodnight my love. See you soon.

Wow…where do I start.. January 11, 2009

I haven’t heard Rick’s voice in over month, I think.  I’m starting to lose my mind. Oh, wait…maybe it’s already gone. I feel like I’m going crazy.

It’s Sunday and generally a very calm day at home. Not today. I woke up to the screams of Nate being tormented and teased by Ricky. It has been this way all weekend long. I don’t ask for much, just peace to be able to wake up in a calm home with calm kids. The minute they wake up, it’s a fight over something stupid or Ricky is teasing Nate. Either way, it makes me angry and completely out of my mind. Nate is stubborn and refuses to listen. He will push me and try to negotiate until HE THINKS he’s got me and then he realizes that I’m not budging. I get frustrated with the way that he pushes and pushes and pushes because he thinks he’s going to get his way. I know, deep down, that I’m not going to give and I don’t, 99% of the time. He is so headstrong and so vocal and so passionate about why he thinks I should “let him” do something or “not punish him.” Another thing I’m upset with him is because his 4 1/2 years old and still not potty trained through the night. I know that he’s going to do it in his own time, but more times than not, he’s peed through his pullup and I end up stripping his bed in the middle of the night. He has the pads on this bed but I still have to wash the sheets and the blankets. I hate getting woken up at 4am because he has peed himself. Isn’t this what newborns are for? I know, I know…he’s 4. Get over it. He’ll grow out of it. It would be nice if he grew out of it soon, so that I could get some sleep during the night. Especially since Rick isn’t home.

Another frustration I have is that Ricky has to completely take over everything. I get so frustrated that he deliberately asks for my help to fix something, put batteries in something, etc and then takes it back over as if he never asked me. I get so frustrated with him because I feel like “why won’t you let me help you if you asked me for the help?” This is a constant thing. It’s happening like 10 times a day, at least. And it’s not just with me. It’s with Nate too. He’ll include Nate in something, then take it out of his hands. Nate gets JUST as frustrated as I do and rightfully so. What the HECK?!?!?!?! Why does he do that?

I have so many mixed emotions. I watched Oprah’s “BEST LIFE WEEK.” She talked about 5 different topics…Weight, health, sprit, money and relationships.

Well, I’d like to think that Rick and I have finally gone through the journey of money. We have been paying off debt since he’s been in Afghanistan and I actually sat down to plan the rest of his paychecks. From what I can predict, we will be out of all retail debt and car debt by the time he comes home. We will have student loans and a mortgage left along with the necessities of life: cell phone, utilities, water and car insurance. I feel good about this, but then reflect on what I am sacraficing. In my reflection of what is happening, I realize that if we hadn’t gotten into debt in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to sacrafice like this. It our own fault and I can’t say that Rick would have gone if we were out of debt. I’m resentful of that fact. It was an offer we couldn’t refuse to help us fix what we had created since he left. I’ll be honest, it’s not nearly the amount of debt as other people had (we had 2 major credit cards among other small little things that added up), but it was enough to suffocate us while we were trying to build our lives as a newly married couple. That, to me, was reason enough to take this offer and send Rick away, again, and to fend for myself. It’s sad, depressing, frustrating, but liberating. When he comes home June 1st (or somewhere in that timeframe TBD by the Marine Corps) it will be a great big sigh of relief. We will have done it. Together, but apart. Alone, but as a team.

As part of Oprah Best Life Week she also talked about getting honest. Well, I have. I’m overweight, I’m impatient most of the time (but I’m working on it), we are in debt and I’m depressed most of the time. There..I did it…I got honest. I also got honest about how much I weigh, how sad I am, and how much I miss my husband. It’s humbling to think that I have lived the past 2 out of the past 3 years without him by my side. It makes me sad, it makes me smile (knowing what we accomplished), and it makes me realize that I never take Rick for granted (and some people can’t say that).

I did good today. I ate 6 small meals instead of 3 large ones and I drank 60 oz of water. I paid careful attention to what I’ve been eating. I’ve decided that it’s time to take my gym membership off of being on hold and go back. My back still hurts, which was the main reason for putting it on hold, but, the only way I can see of making changes is to work out through the pain. I will be careful, but I do need to get back to the gym and be serious. I anticipate getting back to the trainer by February 1st. Dave, here I come! Watch out!

I’ve also started watching Diet Tribe (on lifetime) and the new season of The Biggest Loser. It’s motivating me big time.

No real news on mom-mom. Her stroke has officially put her in the direction of a nursing home. She still cannot talk, is on a feeding tube and is unable to swallow. She is not a candidate for Moss Rehab so they will probably be moving her to a nursing home this week. I plan on going to see her soon. I’m sure she could use the company. I do miss my mommom. I wish things had been different for her.

So, another day done. Love you honey. Be safe and I hope you can come home for your 3 weeks leave VERY soon. It would be a great birthday present.

I believe that Christmas Eve has changed forever… December 24, 2008

It’s Christmas Eve and I can’t even believe I’ve sat down to write this.
My grandmother had a stroke on Friday morning at 11:30 am. My mom called to tell me what had happened and that the caretaker was with her when it happened. I rushed to her house and arrived in about 8 minutes. I live 1.5 miles from her and my mom lives about 20 minutes away. My mom had just talked to her at about 10:20am and she gave my mom a list of things to buy for Christmas.

I don’t want to relive the entire thing, but what I saw was heartbreaking and I had enough time to tell her what was happening and that we loved her. My mom and uncle turned the corner as the ambulance was leaving with her and we followed the ambulance to the hospital. I knew there was a drug called TPA that is able to reverse the effects of a stroke, but I knew there was a time limit. I was just hoping she was a candidate for the drug as I knew that at her age, 92, the chances were/are slim.

We arrived at the hospital, waited an hour and then we were told that the drug could NOT be administered intravenously because of her history of internal bleeding. They would have to administer the drug via catheter directly to the clot in her brain. We only had 6 hours. We waited for an ambulance that eventually had to come from philly. They had wanted to take her via mediflight, but all helicopters were grounded due to weather. All specialty ambulances were tied up. She didn’t leave the hospital until 4ish. The drug had to be administered by 5:30pm. We knew she wouldn’t make it to Einstein Medical Center in time. It was frustrating and it didn’t help that the charge nurse had a serious attitude about all of it. A little compassion goes a long way.

Well, fast forward to tonight. She has a feeding tube in her stomach, a bladder infection, and she barely stays awake long enough to acknowledge that you are there.

She did hear me tonight. She turned her head when I touched her and she tried to ask me how we are (true mom-mom style) When I confirmed whether she was trying to ask that or not, she nodded her head and tried to continue talking. She got too tired and fell back to sleep. She knew I was there. If that was the last time she sees my face, I’m happy. I have no regrets.

I’m sad that Rick isn’t home. I want her to see his face again.

I reflect back on our recent conversations.
How funny she was telling stories about my pop-pop. Telling the same stories over and over, because she knew I liked hearing them. They were just as funny every time she told them. And I enjoyed them as if it was the first time I heard them. She is a fantastic story teller.

I hope that she can recover well enough to have conversations again.
She knows that we love her, but I have a couple more questions to ask her.
She is ready to go. She’s told me that.

I just wish she was the mom-mom she was last week. She was so excited for Christmas.
Tomorrow is her birthday. 93 years young.
We brought her a poinsettia plant. Now she has two.

Love you mom-mom. Happy Birthday. We miss you. Come back to us.

Blahhhhhhging December 12, 2008

Yeah….
It’s not blogging…It’s Blahhhhhging..Cause that’s exactly how I feel today.

Disclaimer: I’m miserable, tired and ready to be done with the Marine Corps, once and for all. Lots of bitching may follow.

Rick will not be home for Christmas. I can thank the Marine Corps for that. Without going into huge detail, he needs coverage from another person in order to leave. This person just happens to be someone HE recommended to the company to hire. We’ll call him Jim. Jim is still waiting stateside to leave the US and we’re told that his flight is leaving the US on 12/20. Well, obviously, the way our luck is, Jim will have a week layover in Kuwait because the Marine Corps forgot to process some really important paperwork in order to get him into Afghanistan OR the Marine Corps will claim they never KNEW about this really important paperwork. All hypothetical, of course. [sarcasm] *sigh*

Even if Jim leaves on 12/20 as scheduled, Rick would never make it home for Christmas in time. *sigh*

Oh, but wait, there’s more. Rick’s boss has NO problems leaving Afghanistan for his 2 week vacation to the US for Christmas. Apparently, his SSgt can handle things, while he’s gone. *sigh* The Marine Corps is good for that you know….making rules and making them only pertain to certain people. As for the others, you know, the “higher ups”, they don’t have to follow any rules. *can I get an amen from my Marine sisters*

So….
I had to explain to my children that Rick won’t be home. It was harder on me than it was on them. Ricky accepted it and went on about his business. Nate asked a few more questions. He asked a pretty legitimate question…”Is he not coming home because the Marines need him and he can’t leave?” Of course, with a tear in my eye, said, “yes.”

They understand it. They get it. They get why this works this way and they understand that it was never a guarantee, just a wish. We made our Christmas wish and it wasn’t granted. Now we have to move on as if it didn’t happen.

I was just telling a friend that it’s easier to be mad. It’s easier to be upset with the situation. Unfortunately, for me, I have to be a grown up here. My kids need to feel like it’s christmas. So, with that, I’m going to climb Mt. Everest, a.k.a. my attic stairs, and begin to bring the Christmas decorations down. Another unfortunate happening will be me moving the living room furniture around by myself to get the tree in the right spot. With all this back pain, it will sure be enjoyable for the makers of Motrin and Percocet. They will be making money off of this expedition. Wait, should I ask them to sponsor me for the tree-athalon? Hey…now there’s a good idea….

Oopps….sorry…I digress….

I can’t sign off without saying how much I dream about living a simple life with my husband and children. I look around at the economy, people being irresponsible with money, people getting more and more into debt, and I think…wow…I wish I could move, right now, to the middle of nowhere, not tell anyone where I live and just escape. I dream of the day that Rick comes home, we sell our house, move and start fresh. Make a new start without the Marine Corps, without the drama that has seemed to follow me through this entire Marine Corps journey. I’m so done. D-O-N-E. DONE!!

I have never wanted anything more in my life than just being side by side with my husband and living how we were living pre-Marine Corps. I want it back so badly. At least, to get through the tough times, Rick will be next to me, instead of 8000 miles away and 9.5 hours ahead of me.

I’m convinced that when he’s by my side, we can do anything that comes our way. For now, we have to deal with this crap. I’m thankful for a great marriage, healthy children and a roof over our heads. In the near future though, we want more. We want a true sense of family, true sense of home, and love that abounds…in person.

I love you Rick.

We’re going on a cruise, I’ve sent out my Christmas carepackages, and…I still miss my husband! December 7, 2008

Tis the season to send out carepackages…fa la la la la la la la la.

Well, this year was a success! 24 carepackages (flate rate boxes of course) were sent to two different Marine Corps units in Iraq. Wow. What a project it is!  There was tremendous generosity from the community. Many groups came together to make cookies/brownies and breads, many donated books and magazines..it was really nice to see that even though we are in a recession, we still reach out to our troops. Truly, a very humbling time for me.  A friend of mine is coming to pick up the last 10 carepackages tonight to haul them to the post office for me. Without him, they wouldn’t get there. I’ve been having so much back pain…gee…I wonder why Thank you to everyone that has helped out.

I’ve recently had a lot of questions about how/where to send carepackages. I’ve been using the same site for about 5 years now. www.anymarine.com  Other sister websites are:  www.anysoldier.com, www.anysailor.com, and www.anyairman.com.  I’m a little partial to anymarine.com  Sorry folks

These websites allow you to search for MANY different criteria. You can send carepackages just to women, just to people in certain locations, or look up by last name. The possibilites are endless.  I would highly recommend using these sites as the military personnel themselves are responsible for updating their status. They have departure dates listed, and, even though they may not be completely accurate, it does give you an idea of how long they are there for.  I’ve literally spent HOURS searching on anymarine.com.  LOVE LOVE LOVE that website. If you can’t help out by taking the time to send out carepackages, send them a donation. They operate ONLY by donations.

If you need further tips on packaging, ideas for packages, etc, drop me a line. I could do it in my sleep. Most of the military personnel will tell you what they need or don’t need, but if you want a little more guidance, let me know.

Secondly…great news…

WE BOOKED OUR CRUISE! 6/25/2009 we sail out of Cape Liberty, New Jersey.  9 night Eastern Carribean and Bermuda. Yeah, we are going all out. I figure we’ve sacraficed enough. It’s time the boys had some time with their dad and around the time of our 10th wedding anniversary. It’s an awesome feeling.  I feel really good about it and feel even better about it by not using a credit card   We get back on 4th of July, how cool will that be!

Rick’s travel home is not confirmed for Christmas yet. I’m sad because I’d like to have a countdown, but if I get a week’s notice, that’s good enough for me. Of course, this is all because the Marine Corps closed CLNC for processing for the entire month of November and part of Dec.  His coverage person is still waiting to process. *sigh*  You Marine Corps wives out there know what that’s like.

I’ll try to update more soon!

What I know for sure…today.. October 18, 2008

#1-I’m excited for the holidays to see the looks on my kids faces when they open their gifts. The season brings me so much joy.
#2-I’m happy there is finally a chill in the air.
#3-The true meaning of happiness is not the love you get from someone else..it’s the love you give to others.

Appreciation October 18, 2008

It’s that small little thing that you do to show someone that they are important in the work they do.

It’s Saturday morning. We (me and the boys) talked about having eggs and pancakes for breakfast last night, so I ended up in the kitchen about an hour ago. I went to town. Making this huge breakfast for us.

Things have been really hard lately. The only breaks I have from my boys are the times they are at school. Within those times, I have to grocery shop, run errands, etc. I prefer NOT to take them to the store because they are unbearable. Ricky and Nate have been CONSTANTLY asking the same questions. I mean, within seconds, they are asking the same question. Eventually, I get so fed up, I just stop answering. If you don’t hear me the first time I answer, then it must not be important. Well, this morning, it escalated. I just couldn’t even talk anymore, I was so upset.

Sometimes, a woman just needs to feel appreciated and a 6 and a 4 year old have no concept of this. They don’t know to come up to you and hug you and say how much they appreciate you. I just take the thankyous as they come and take it for what it is.

After cooking this breakfast, and complaining for an hour that they “wanted a snack until breakfast was ready,” Ricky made a comment about how “the food looked.” *sigh* When he saw that he hurt my feelings he said, “mom, what I meant to say was, you’re one of the best pancake makers I know.”
It took my breath away.

I just feel like there really isn’t anyone who appreciates me. I should specify…ADULTS. I know that a lot of moms feel this daily also. The bottom line is that I’m terribly lonely. I really don’t have anyone around me, on a constant basis, to tell me that I’m doing a good job. To tell me that what I’m doing is right. To tell me not to worry. And to tell me that I’m appreciated.

It sucks.

What I know for sure… October 14, 2008

In following Oprah’s lead, I’m writing my list of what I know for sure. I don’t know if she ever wrote a list, or has an ongoing list, or writes a list everyday. But, I thought it was a good idea…

This is a small list of what I know for sure:
#1-The Geek Squad at Best Buy is grossly underpaid
#2-The customers who need the Geek Squad at Best Buy are convinced that their computer problem is a Geek’s fault
#3-Did you hear about the new stop sign law? That’s the law that applies at a 4-way stop. When you are stopped, the opposing cars are allowed to blow their stop signs. {sarcasm}
#4-I really love my friends. Even if they don’t understand what I’m going through, at least they try and at least they care to try. I really love my Marine Corps peeps too. They DO understand and make an effort to care-BIGTIME!
#5-Everyday, my theory becomes more real. Most people, that I come across, feel like the world owes them..Especially in the areas of finances, hence our economy.
#6-Pain is weakness leaving the body. If that theory is true, then I should be Superman.
#7-Fall is the season for the smell of wood stoves in the air, homemade apple pie, and cider donuts (if you haven’t had them, you’re really missing out)
#8-Bagels are the most under-rated breakfast item.
#9-My 10 year old soccer mom van is DA BOMB! I just love her so much, even if she is showing some gray hairs.
#10-Being a doula is my forever passion and I definitely want more kids of my own.
#11-The Marine Corps has taught me everything I know about patience and strength. If I can do this, I can do anything.