I haven’t heard Rick’s voice in over month, I think. I’m starting to lose my mind. Oh, wait…maybe it’s already gone. I feel like I’m going crazy.
It’s Sunday and generally a very calm day at home. Not today. I woke up to the screams of Nate being tormented and teased by Ricky. It has been this way all weekend long. I don’t ask for much, just peace to be able to wake up in a calm home with calm kids. The minute they wake up, it’s a fight over something stupid or Ricky is teasing Nate. Either way, it makes me angry and completely out of my mind. Nate is stubborn and refuses to listen. He will push me and try to negotiate until HE THINKS he’s got me and then he realizes that I’m not budging. I get frustrated with the way that he pushes and pushes and pushes because he thinks he’s going to get his way. I know, deep down, that I’m not going to give and I don’t, 99% of the time. He is so headstrong and so vocal and so passionate about why he thinks I should “let him” do something or “not punish him.” Another thing I’m upset with him is because his 4 1/2 years old and still not potty trained through the night. I know that he’s going to do it in his own time, but more times than not, he’s peed through his pullup and I end up stripping his bed in the middle of the night. He has the pads on this bed but I still have to wash the sheets and the blankets. I hate getting woken up at 4am because he has peed himself. Isn’t this what newborns are for? I know, I know…he’s 4. Get over it. He’ll grow out of it. It would be nice if he grew out of it soon, so that I could get some sleep during the night. Especially since Rick isn’t home.
Another frustration I have is that Ricky has to completely take over everything. I get so frustrated that he deliberately asks for my help to fix something, put batteries in something, etc and then takes it back over as if he never asked me. I get so frustrated with him because I feel like “why won’t you let me help you if you asked me for the help?” This is a constant thing. It’s happening like 10 times a day, at least. And it’s not just with me. It’s with Nate too. He’ll include Nate in something, then take it out of his hands. Nate gets JUST as frustrated as I do and rightfully so. What the HECK?!?!?!?! Why does he do that?
I have so many mixed emotions. I watched Oprah’s “BEST LIFE WEEK.” She talked about 5 different topics…Weight, health, sprit, money and relationships.
Well, I’d like to think that Rick and I have finally gone through the journey of money. We have been paying off debt since he’s been in Afghanistan and I actually sat down to plan the rest of his paychecks. From what I can predict, we will be out of all retail debt and car debt by the time he comes home. We will have student loans and a mortgage left along with the necessities of life: cell phone, utilities, water and car insurance. I feel good about this, but then reflect on what I am sacraficing. In my reflection of what is happening, I realize that if we hadn’t gotten into debt in the first place, we wouldn’t have had to sacrafice like this. It our own fault and I can’t say that Rick would have gone if we were out of debt. I’m resentful of that fact. It was an offer we couldn’t refuse to help us fix what we had created since he left. I’ll be honest, it’s not nearly the amount of debt as other people had (we had 2 major credit cards among other small little things that added up), but it was enough to suffocate us while we were trying to build our lives as a newly married couple. That, to me, was reason enough to take this offer and send Rick away, again, and to fend for myself. It’s sad, depressing, frustrating, but liberating. When he comes home June 1st (or somewhere in that timeframe TBD by the Marine Corps) it will be a great big sigh of relief. We will have done it. Together, but apart. Alone, but as a team.
As part of Oprah Best Life Week she also talked about getting honest. Well, I have. I’m overweight, I’m impatient most of the time (but I’m working on it), we are in debt and I’m depressed most of the time. There..I did it…I got honest. I also got honest about how much I weigh, how sad I am, and how much I miss my husband. It’s humbling to think that I have lived the past 2 out of the past 3 years without him by my side. It makes me sad, it makes me smile (knowing what we accomplished), and it makes me realize that I never take Rick for granted (and some people can’t say that).
I did good today. I ate 6 small meals instead of 3 large ones and I drank 60 oz of water. I paid careful attention to what I’ve been eating. I’ve decided that it’s time to take my gym membership off of being on hold and go back. My back still hurts, which was the main reason for putting it on hold, but, the only way I can see of making changes is to work out through the pain. I will be careful, but I do need to get back to the gym and be serious. I anticipate getting back to the trainer by February 1st. Dave, here I come! Watch out!
I’ve also started watching Diet Tribe (on lifetime) and the new season of The Biggest Loser. It’s motivating me big time.
No real news on mom-mom. Her stroke has officially put her in the direction of a nursing home. She still cannot talk, is on a feeding tube and is unable to swallow. She is not a candidate for Moss Rehab so they will probably be moving her to a nursing home this week. I plan on going to see her soon. I’m sure she could use the company. I do miss my mommom. I wish things had been different for her.
So, another day done. Love you honey. Be safe and I hope you can come home for your 3 weeks leave VERY soon. It would be a great birthday present. 
